I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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