i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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