I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
