My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
