she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
