Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Randomize
