I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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