If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Randomize
