90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize
