Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Drunk is a universal language darling
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
