She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
