i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
we're chasing vodka with high fives
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
