I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
