There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize