Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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