its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
