Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
