I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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