Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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