So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
