she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
