Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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