I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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