Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
