Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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