what day is it and did you see me today?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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