Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
