Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
