I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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