he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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