Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I touched a dick in church today
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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