Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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