The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
