u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
