it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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