i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
