Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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