The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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