I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
