I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
