Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I need to calm my uterus...
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
