he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
