I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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