My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
