good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
