My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
