I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
