I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
home. puking in laundry basket.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
