i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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