Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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