So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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